its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my poor anus
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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