I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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