Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
