I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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