a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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