he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
