I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize