I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
