I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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