My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
