I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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