Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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