I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
