Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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