I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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