he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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