i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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