They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
