So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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