I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize