He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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