just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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