Dual....:-)
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
