Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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