Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
