It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
