is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
