Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
