Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
