Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
