Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
