Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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