make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
