i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
