Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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