Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
