I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
