White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
