I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
