i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
