So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
