the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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