I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize