I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
