The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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