haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
