I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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