I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize