Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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