The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
