I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize