Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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