Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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