I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Will you blow on my dice?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
