well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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