threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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