I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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