Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
