have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
