i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
