I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize