We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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