Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
