I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
