I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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