i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
