Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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