don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
