I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize